87% Titanic (in 3D)

Woohoo! "Titanic", the 1997 romantic epic that won 11 Academy Awards, has been re-released on an even grander scale. We are, once again, treated to over three hours of the most wearisome and banal piece of cinema to ever grace our screens. But wait... it's in 3D. I'm so happy, I could shit myself. An old woman, Rose DeWitt Bukater (Gloria Stuart) recounts her past to April, 1912 when she boarded the most advanced liner ever built - the Royal Mail Ship Titanic. It departed from Southampton with over 2,000 passengers aboard and we are taken back to when she was a younger woman (Kate Winslet), due to be married to aristocrat Cal Hockley (Billy Zane). On board though, she meets young, adventurous artist Jack Dawson (Leonardo DiCaprio) who she falls in love with. But there is trouble ahead, in the shape of a giant iceberg that forces the ship and it's passengers into desperate survival. This, for me, stands as the most ridiculous and overrated of films. Amongst the (unwarranted) awards it received, there is only one that it could truly justify: Best Visual Effects. How the triteness of this film could overshadow the superb and labyrinthine "L.A. Confidential" during awards season, is beyond me. Anyone familiar with British pulp romantic novels, will known what I mean when I say, this is just "Mills & Boon" on a boat - the chivalrous Jack pursuing the chastised damsel Rose. The only thing that's missing, is the gardener with a rippling torso. DiCaprio and Winslet are fine actors and two that I admire greatly but they totally ham it up this absolute peace of trash. It's very stereotypical in everything it does; the impoverished Irish dance a jig below deck; the band plays on when everyone else is panicking; the steamed up car, were Jack and Rose consummate their relationship; even Jack's little Italian friend get's to shout the obligatory "Bastardo", as the shit is about to hit the propellers. The characterisation is frankly insulting and for the most part, the film is uneventful. That is, until the long-awaited Iceberg makes a welcome appearance. When it does, Cameron's use of visual effects really kick-in and they're undeniably impressive but by this point, I couldn't care less. If anything, it was quite enjoyable watching the irritating and underwritten characters plummet and drown to a slow and painful death. Shame the footage of this film couldn't have went down with the ship also. Originally released in 1997, James Cameron then followed it up in 2003 with documentary "Ghosts Of The Abyss" and now we get it again in 3D. Really James, let it go man... let it go. Woefully Bad. A * 1/2 star rating for the visuals and a solid supporting performance from the large glacial deposit. But being dazzled with special effects and technical achievements, ultimately doesn't change anything. You still can't polish a turd.

June 12, 2010

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